The BEST video ever....so true to myself I had to do a double take to see if it was me in the video...enjoy, this is just too funny
~THE HOLY LAND~
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and
>mother-in-law.
>The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who
>explains that they can ship the body home but
>that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they
>can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
>
>The guy says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks,
>"Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we
>can do a very nice burial here."
>
>The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they
>buried a guy here and three days later
>he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A soldier, a train and one FRENCH woman
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the
train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant". Imagine!
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The women shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road."
"And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Muldoons dog
> Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his pet dog for
> company.
>
> One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
> "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
>
> Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not me lad; we cannot have services for
> an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
> there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
> creature."
>
> Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
> donate to them for the service?"
>
> Fath er Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! me lad; Why didn`t
> ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Blonde on a horse
throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As
her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..........
To be six again!!
> > > > > > A man asked his wife what she'd like for
> > > > > > her birthday. "I'd love to be
> > > > > > six again," she replied.
> > >
> > > > > > On the morning of her birthday, he got her
> > > > > > up bright and early and off they went to a
> > > > > > local theme park. What a day!
> > >
> > > > > > He put her on every ride in the park: the
> > > > > > Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
> > > > > > the Wall of Fear, everything there was!
> > >
> > > > > > Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of
> > > > > > the theme park, her head
> > > > > > reeling and her stomach upside down.
> > >
> > > > > > Right to a McDonald's they went, where her
> > > > > > husband ordered her a Big Mac
> > > > > > along with extra fries and a refreshing
> > > > > > chocolate shake.!
> > >
> > > > > > Then it was off to a movie -- the latest
> > > > > > epic, and hot dogs, popcorn,
> > > > > > Pepsi Cola and M&Ms.
> > >
> > > > > > What a fabulous adventure!
> > > > > > Finally she wobbled home with her husband
> > > > > > and collapsed into bed.
> > >
> > > > > > He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well,
> > > > > > dear, what was it like being six again?"
> > >
> > > > > > One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress
size."
> > >
> > > > > > The moral of this story: Even when a man is
> > > > > > listening, he's still gonna
> > > > > > get it wrong.
Airline mixup
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.! When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:..........
...........Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband. P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
4 men golfing
> Once on the course, three of them headed to the first tee & the fourth
> went to the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
>
> The three men started talking, and bragged about their sons; the first
> man told the others, "My son is a builder and is so successful that he
> gave a friend a brand new house for free."
>
> The second man said, "My son is a car salesman and owns a huge dealership.
> He's so successful that he gave a friend a brand new BMW with all the
> extras."
>
> The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a
> stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire
> stock portfolio worth $100,000."
>
> It was at this point that the fourth man joined them on the tee. The
> first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours
> doing?"
> The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar."
>
> The three friends looked down at the grass and smirked.
>
> The fourth man carried on, Admittedly I'm not totally thrilled about the
> dancing job, but he must be doing pretty well. His last three boyfriends
> gave him a house, a brand new BMW and a stock portfolio worth $100,000."
Princess on the plane
them food and drinks.
shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be
super."
to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my
country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a
Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, bitch."
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